So, it’s a new year. But what does that even mean? It means I need to work on the FAFSA soon, start thinking about my taxes, pay my rent (with what money?). It means I’m going to have to form a habit of writing “16” instead of “15,” like every yesteryear that’s passed. It means I have a new batch of resolutions to pull out in 365 days to see if my year actually aligned with my vision for it. But other than a few minor cosmetic details, things are the same.

Thus, the new year means basically nothing. Life keeps racing away the same as before. The only difference is the date– the numbers. And as far as I can tell, no good has ever come from numbers. (“Math” is all I’m going to say, and I think that proves my point more than enough.) Time is so fickle and dependent on perception; it varies even in its supposed precision. But despite that, we all live our lives by glances at the clock. I don’t know if I could make it a day without continual updates from the clock reassuring me that time is still driving forward.

Considering the evilness of numbers and the cold meaninglessness of time, I propose a new system of observing progression of life. Time will be measured by memories and the events that happen in our lives.

“How long has it been since you showered?”
“Not since Blanket Fort Day!”
“Wow!”

“When did you purchase your work shoes? I need to write it down on your taxes.”
“It’s been several Taco Dinners since I bought those.”
*writes on taxes “Several Taco Dinners ago”*

This eliminates numbers and adds meaning to the sequences of life. This way, we recognize time by the quality rather than the quantity. It may even be easier to remember specifics this way because you have a personal tie to the moment or day, so it sticks out in your brain more. Plus, it allows you to customize your own system of forwardness– and we humans sure love customizing things.

Of course, my system of memories seemingly only works for dating the past, not the future, because you can’t have memories of the future. Those are called dreams. But since it’s all subjective anyway (because who really knows the intimate doings of your life enough to keep track of your own, personalized time system?), we can use these “future memories” (dreams) as well. They work perfectly fine, and everyone these days is so goal-oriented that they always (in every instance) accomplish their plans. So here, let me exemplify.

“When do you expect to get your package in the mail?”
“Just before I win the lottery.”

“When are you supposed to graduate from college?”
“Approximately once I become president of the United States.”

Naturally, others may perceive some of your dreams farther along than you do… As in “I’m going to Hawaii when I lose 20 pounds!” you may view this as a short distance in the future, but your friend Karen may see this as something you’ll accomplish when you’re 80. And that’s the beauty of my “time-keeping” system! It’s flexible, so you don’t get tangled up in any time contracts or binds with due dates. It’s a free-for-all! And this is America, isn’t it? We’re not going to let time dictate how we live our lives. Freedom from the fascist constraints of time!

Also, I think we need to realize that time has been around for a really long time. Even the dinosaurs used time. So I’m sorry to say it, but time is a little obsolete these days. We’re ready for a new method.

I think this memory system is far more entertaining than Time and humans can all stand to learn a lesson from this concentration on events rather than tally-marking the days. Learn to live a little, people, and let go of your petty dependence on showing up “on time!” The doctor can wait. It’s not like he has anything else to do than play with his stethoscope all day.

So enjoy today: not January 1, but what many will probably refer to as Hangover Day.