Mastering the Art of Social Sadism

As a woman, nothing charms me so much as a man with persistence. I’m not talking about any gentle pleading; I’m talking about aggressive persistence. If I’m not reminded of a raging crocodile or a charging bear, then clearly you’re not doing your bit effectively.

Let’s discuss asking women for their phone numbers. This is not at all an easy task, especially if you have no notion of the woman’s personality (because you saw her in public, assessed her body, and decided to ensnare her upon a positive review), so it can be a bit nerve-wracking. But buck up, soldier! (That’s actual advice. You need to be intense and commanding; if she doesn’t wonder if you’re a general in the army, you may not be demanding enough.) Make sure you’re in a public space with a lot of video cameras around and march right up to her, stating her exact worth (usually in a derogatory manner to confuse her; for instance, try, “Damn girl, you fine;” she will be flattered but also incredibly disrespected), and demand her phone number. If she seems at all hesitant, that means go into overdrive. Dismiss any sort of visible concern she has and make her feel guilty for it. “What, you think you’re too good for me?” is a good line. This will trap the woman in this totally unsolicited conversation. If she stumbles with her words or gives any sort of excuse, proceed with even more force and aggression, so that she knows you’re just a friendly guy looking to hang out with someone new. For good measure, it helps to hold your phone out and promise this process will only take seconds if she cooperates. If you’re scary enough, she’ll oblige–and success! You have acquired a female’s cell phone number.

Now for the follow-up: text her soon after you part ways, with something noble that demonstrates that you’re suave with words, like “Hey.” If she texts you back, you’re in! The rest is pie. Even if she texts you, “I have a boyfriend, so I’m not really interested,” show your love for literature by playing the character of the Wolf dressed in Grandmother’s clothes and say, “You can still have friends though, right?” Bingo, buddy.

After that, try to arrange a date. (Call it “hanging out.”) Tell her that you and a bunch of friends (of the male and female variety) will be there as well, so she’ll feel more comfortable. The trick is not invite anybody else, so when she shows up, it’s just you two. A great idea for a first date is a police station. Again, this will give her the illusion of safety while you can still play your in-her-face intimidation game.

Once at the date, a fun activity is getting yourselves finger-printed. Your individualized thumb print will drive home the fact that you’re not like other guys. But all the while, make sure you’re playing off her discomfort. No doubt she’ll be off-put that it’s just the two of you (and she might even assume you lied to her in the first place; all the better). But if you start to see that shred of discomfort, pump up the ferocity. Tear down her self-esteem so she’ll be more dependent on you for emotional support, and make some threats while you’re at it. Try grabbing her around the waist to show her you’re the one in control. She may yell at you. This will interrupt the finger-printing process, but it’ll engage the police officers.

Likely, the officers will insist that you stop touching her. But! It’s important not to break concentration. That means you should intensify your threats and the intimidation of your body language. Wave your arms and yell that you will “Take care of her later.” When the officers physically restrain you, demonstrate your hungry persistence by fighting them off and pursuing her! By the end of the night, she will be truly impressed. She might even be impressed enough to file a restraining order.

And as I said: as a woman, this charade is nothing but enchanting. It’s so refreshing to be approached by men who only have themselves in mind. Honestly, the guys I’m most attracted to are the incredibly assertive ones who make me feel as though they would commit unspeakable acts to me against my will, especially because when I say “No,” it’s secret-woman-code for “Yes.” I’ve dreamed of being berated by a man for my number since I was a small girl, and had fantasies about going to college and meeting all sorts of new predators to be afraid of.

Unfortunately, instead of the violent potential convict I dreamed about for my whole life, I ended up with a loser who has been very respectful of me and has never pressured me into anything I didn’t want to do. Oh well; I’ll live. (Literally.)

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