Maniacal Millennials

Ugh– millennials, am I right? They’re a generation of entitlement; they crave instant gratification. Oh, and they’re always on their phones– they don’t know how to communicate face-to-face anymore. They dress so immodestly and are obsessed with taking pictures of themselves. Those tattooed, pierced, disrespectful, lazy, overly-sensitive brats.

Millennials are defined as those born between approximately 1982 and 2004, according to this Atlantic article. Therefore, I’m sorry to say this, but unless you’re my mom or an older relative reading this, you’re probably a millennial, which is such a bad thing to be. Damn millennials for being young and introduced into a world which had centuries of corruption in the making!

Out of all the waves of human existence, millennials are the first and only bad crop of humans to appear in the United States. These young people specifically are going to be the downfall of society and culture. (Contributing factors to the demise of humanity have certainly not been at play in the past thousands of years.) It’s weird, because millennials just magically became these great jerks for no reason whatsoever. (Because we all know that children these days raise themselves and should be held responsible for not disciplining themselves better.) Also, their differing fashion from the previous decades of dress is a huge indicator that they’re awful and vulgar people. (Fashion should just stop evolving. We should all go back to the good ol’ days when everyone wore loin cloths instead of these trashy “crop tops” people wear today.) And despite what logic and research may tell you, older generations have definitely not been cynical about younger generations for all of human and pre-human history.


So, adults are always very dramatic and resistant and tend to think anything modern is destroying the youth just because it’s new. I don’t mean that today’s adults are exclusively prone to sounding sirens; this is a constant cycle with humans.

Following are a series of quotes intended to illustrate my point.

“Technology is ruining our children!”
“Video games are ruining our children!”
“Television is ruining our children!”
“Radio is ruining our children!”
“Music is ruining our children!”
“Magazines are ruining our children!”
“Comics are ruining our children!”
“Poetry is ruining our children!”
“Novels are ruining our children!”
“Books are ruining our children!”
“Epic poems are ruining our children!”
“Cave paintings are ruining our children!”

If this is the case, we are a doomed species thousands of years in the making.

“I look around, and everyone’s on their phones!”
“I look around, and everyone has their noses in books!”
“I look around, and everyone has a newspaper held up!”

This is particularly annoying as an introvert prone to feeling cripplingly awkward. If I didn’t have my phone in my hand while waiting for something, I would be holding a book instead– either way, I would have something with me upon which to focus my attention; it’s entertainment, my friend. People like to have something semi-productive to do while waiting for class to start, waiting for the bus, waiting for the doctor.

“Kids these days are always texting; they don’t know how to communicate face-to-face!”
“Kids these days are always emailing…”
“Kids these days are always calling on the phone…”
“Kids these days are always writing letters…”
“Kids these days are always sending pigeons…”
“Kids these days are always using smoke signals…”

I know, I know. I thought the downfall of human face-to-face communication would be the Pony Express, too. Looks like it was just a false alarm.

“Leaning over your phone will ruin your posture.”
“Leaning over your book will ruin your posture.”
“Leaning over your sewing project will ruin your posture.”
“Leaning over the fire will ruin your posture.”

I’m slouching if I’m on my phone or if I’m taking notes in class. There’s no getting around my bad posture. I should probably change this habit, but life is more fun when I can relax and ruin my spine on my own terms.

You know, I’m sure that Australopithecines condemned anyone belonging to the genus Homo, and I’m positive that Homo erectus was resentful of Homo sapiens for sitting around and using their “big brains” that were so much larger and smarter… Homo erectus probably thought, “Ugh, neanderthals are the worst! They don’t know how to use brute force like we did– they use their ‘brain.’ What a load of mammoth shit.” But who knows? All we know is that Homo erectus didn’t evolve their tools in any fashion in the million-year span they lived, so if that tells you anything about their incredible lack of innovation and how perhaps change is beneficial because Homo erectus ended up extinct, then… (Mm, this tea is really good.)

[Check out this video by Vsauce for a less sarcastic version of my blog post.]


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