The Perks of Anxiety

Anxiety is a very fun word that has many negative connotations, which are all completely unwarranted because anxiety is just as fun as the word itself! One might think that anxiety is a nightmare, but it’s actually totally awesome and I encourage everyone to go out and acquire The Anxiety right away!

One of the most helpful bits of anxiety is the constant dwelling. It really helps you lose perspective while focusing on one minute detail that haunts you for days, which is very useful, especially since many times, these details are entirely overlooked by everyone else. For example, you might have a very quirky idea and want to share it with Facebook. But the more you toss the status idea around in your head during the preliminary phase, you begin to realize that maybe one of your Facebook friends (who you never interact with, and who hasn’t even been on Facebook for 3 months) will read it the wrong way and take offense, or maybe  your idea has one potential loophole, or maybe someone will comment on it and try to argue with you, and maybe it’ll make people dislike you because it could appear as a subtle jab at specific people, and then they might confront you and you’ll have to swear it was just a funny idea you thought up on your walk to class– but better not post it at all. Better just text it to your friends. Or best, just write it in your diary. And this gets applied to every action throughout the day! Analyze and re-analyze all your actions, everything you’ve ever mentioned thoughtlessly, and then dwell on the confusing dynamics of social politics and how you might have destroyed your relationship with the word “Hi.”

Then you get to remember all the potentially hazardous things you’ve said or done in the past and how they may be interpreted. Oh, oh! Remember that time a customer was unhappy with how you rang up an order when you charged them exactly how you should have, and then they complained to the student manager but you were busy so you couldn’t explain and defend yourself? And are you not being assertive enough at work? You really want a leadership position but that one time, you were really timid about asking a co-worker for something and that shows weakness so maybe you blew it with that one occasion. Wow, you’re never moving up. Jesus, you’re an awful worker. Wait, now I feel bad and my heart is having a tantrum in my rib cage.

Also, you get to sweat a lot when you have anxiety! Better invest in some strong deodorant (none of those women’s deodorants that make your armpits smell like B.O. and flowers; get some sturdy men’s anti-perspirant). Sweating is a delightful game because then as you’re worrying, you get to sweat and worry about how you smell, perpetuating the cute little game! So it never has to end!

And when your breathing gets short– oh, that’s the best. Because then other people can tell you’re nervous! I love when my body betrays me, throws me to the wolves!

(Bonus round: Your anxiety meets your depression and they fall in love. It’s a party!)

But don’t worry, if you can’t handle this immense amount of fun, know that all this will go away if you just decide, hey! Knock it off! Stop being anxious! I’m deciding to be calm! I just won’t care what anyone thinks! I’m going to rewire my entire brain with a simple thought! Wow! This was so easy! I’m magically not anxious!

Not that you would ever want to be not-anxious. It’s like a constant adrenaline rush!

Leave a Reply