The Storm of the Semester

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That giant gap right there is what’s going through my mind right now. Every time I try to think about something, I end up staring at a lamp or a wall and going into “sleep” mode, like I’m a smart phone trying to save energy.

It’s the week before finals in my world, which means all the shit is hitting the fan and I’m struggling to open my umbrella. There’s holes in it though. And the wire’s poking through.

The thing about shit storms is that even if you’re able to use an umbrella successfully, it still reeks. The ground, the furniture, even the air is repugnant. So it’s lose-lose either way, just the degree of loss varies. I’m aiming for minimal loss this semester, but you don’t really find out how you fared until you quit bracing yourself and look around.

Unfortunately most umbrellas only effectively fit one person under it, so it’s every human for themself in this situation. If you’ve got one of those really durable umbrellas that have a wide span, that’s nice if you can fit a buddy under there with you (although it’s called cheating, so don’t let anyone catch you; the consequences involve revoking your umbrella, and even a broken umbrella is better than no umbrella– you’ll be showering for weeks trying to redeem yourself).

You’re probably wondering how far I can take this metaphor, but I assure you I can go on for quite a while because that’s just the state I’m in.

As with most storms, you only want to go outside unless absolutely necessary. The shit storm is the true “test” of your abilities; I recommend only enduring the storm as a necessity.

Some people don’t even bother with an umbrella. Some people will bear the full brunt of the storm without trying to dodge it in any way. I’m not sure if those people are necessarily clever but boy I admire their courage. I just hope their significant other is not offended by the smell of feces. There are other people who get innovative and wear ponchos, which is a fantastic idea for the unpredictable wind factor and allows them to be more agile, but only at the cost of looking ridiculous and everyone secretly hates them for some reason. Or they wear a poncho and use an umbrella (those people are the over-achievers).

Sometimes the storm won’t be so bad. “This is it?” you’ll think, and maybe put your umbrella away, but the poop can be tricky. As soon as your umbrella is tucked away, it can start pouring from the sky and you’ll immediately regret letting your guard down. So while you thought you might only have a little brown speckling on you, you get drenched in the venom of the sewers. Tough break, friend.

Either way, it’s no use showering while the shit storm continues. The poop is going to happen and you’re not entirely in the clear until the storm has officially ceased, and everyone else is going to look and smell awful also, so you won’t  be the only one. Strength in numbers!

But once it’s over, and the lingering foul odor dissipates, usually the sun will break through the vomit-colored clouds and warm your weak flesh. Until you start to sweat. Then it’s time to go back inside.

So yeah. I just wrote this whole blog post about shit raining from the sky in an analogy to finals week.

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