So the ants have basically gone away due to what I believe is a mixture of the ant trap poison and the 35-degree snowy day we had Sunday, but that’s a very anti-climactic ending. So I’m going to summon the drama.
*deep movie trailer voice* In a world… Where humans rule the planet… In one apartment… Ants will challenge everything humans know about the pecking order… Species against species…! In an epic ant saga… You won’t want to miss it.
Previously on “The Ant Saga”…
Ants everywhere. Ants on the wall, ants on the ground. Ants in the kitchen. I barricaded myself in my room and shoved disposable clothes in the cracks and put tape around the windows in order to prevent any unwanted penetration… But they still found a way in. I released ant trap stations in a valiant attempt to damage their operation.
Now, we find ourselves amidst the peak of the battle. Ants are scavenging for food throughout my apartment, and I am hitting them with the ant bait, desperately trying not to kill them on sight. This is a far more sneaky operation, and I need them to take the bait back to their communities in order to spread the poison and wipe out their population. I will not stop until all the ants are dead and gone.
They think they can overthrow my rule in the kitchen, but I’ll have them think again. I clean every last crumb so that they have nothing to feed on except the baits. I wipe down the counters with disinfectant wipes every time I pass through, I immediately rinse used dishes and put them in the dish washer, I responsibly store food and eliminate residue. Those bastards will have no alternative than to ingest the death serum. And the warfare rages on…
But I can see the bait is doing a number. There are less of them in number and more of them gathering around the ant traps like it’s a social event or a watering hole. They are such stupid, clueless, naive insects. I will show them with my big human brain that they have infested the wrong apartment.
They like to play mind games with me. They will all hide, and I will grow optimistic, but then at a strategic moment, they will all appear at once, throwing me off their trail. They are such unpredictable bugs. But I will defeat them yet…
The ant baits are dwindling, and there is little substance left for them to feed upon. So in a last ditch effort to end the madness, I buy six more ant traps and I drop this atom bomb on them as though they actually stood a chance. I place the traps outside and inside and all over. They couldn’t have seen it coming a room away.
So they swarm and disperse, morale dangerously low. I watch over them pleased, speculating as to how many casualties have fallen in their village. The body count must be significant because the pigs filled their bellies so greedily with the bait… Their greed and over-zealous confidence is what led to their own demise.
Today is a sunny and beautiful day, not only because the weather is actually symbolic of the spring season that it is, but because on such a temperate day, there are no ants in my apartment– no ants, as far as the eye can see! This brings tears of victory to my eyes, and I revel in the fact that today I can live a life ant-free, in peace. Sometimes horrible warfare is indeed necessary in order to restore the former peace.
This will forever be referred to as the Considerable War of 2016. Pearson will rush to print new editions of textbooks that include this humongous feat for humanity, and some of the photographs will be too graphic to release. But it will be marked as a grand stride for human survival against the malicious raid of the creature with souls as black as their piercing dark bodies… The ants.