If you’re grumpy enough, either your day eventually gets better, or you bring everyone else down enough to make your own problems seem not-so-bad.

I’m not kidding! If you complain about everything going on in your life–the car that did 5 mph under the speed limit on your commute to class, the way somebody said “Hi” to you in the wrong tone at work, the people wearing shorts despite it being chilly (How DARE they), how tired you are after a 7-hour night’s rest, the professor you have who assigned you a paper in your College Writing class, how busy you are as you sit on your phone for an hour bitching with your friends, the guy on the bus who accidentally tripped you because he wasn’t paying attention, how the world is out to get you–you will feel so much better!

This is your permission to let loose how angry you are at every minor inconvenience in your life. Your computer isn’t loading a page? Grumble about it all day! You stepped in a slight puddle? Bring it up to everyone who makes eye contact with you! Your friend was at work and didn’t text you back right away? Subtweet them and gossip to all your contacts! Revel in the negativity! Clog your arteries with bitterness, frustration, and anger. Stomp around all day and glare at everyone who has the nerve to feel good about the day.

And doing all of this will make things BETTER for you.

Now, you may be doubting me, but there’s science behind this to back it up. Okay, so it works like this: you’ve taken math, right? I’m sorry to “go” there, but it’ll help you understand this huge breakthrough in psychology and scientifical stuff. So, if you multiply two negative numbers, you get a positive number. You remember that, right? Like if you multiply a stupid -5 and another stupid -5, you get 25, which is positive. (Trust me, I took calculus three years ago. Also, I just used a website called “Math is Fun” to make sure I remembered that basic mathematical rule correctly.)

So when you moan and complain about everything awful in your awful life, you are producing a bunch of negatives. You are CREATING a CLOUD of negativity that surrounds you. And since your awful life itself is so negative, your bellyaching counteracts the awfulness of your life, and a positive results! Yes, that’s right! It’s that simple! Because you have devised a fog of crankiness that now follows you around like that dirt cloud follows around the dirty kid in Peanuts,  it reverberates against the sheer badness of your existence and multiple good things are produced. That’s science, bitch.

However, once on the Complain Train, many people don’t know how to stop. So the downside to tapping into this little-known mental hack is that you don’t realize when the positives cross your path because you blow right by them full-steam ahead. The good part is it means you smash everything in your way and smashing things is fun. Let’s bring everything and everyone else down with us! It’ll be awesome! If I suffer, everyone should. But that just means you smash all the positive things that are born of your negativity. Oh well. We didn’t truly want good things to happen anyway; we enjoy being a martyr too much. It’s more dramatic. Poor me

So to those who are spreading “good vibes” and encouraging people to “go with the flow” and let minor incidents “roll right off them,” NO. Your advice is STUPID and USELESS, just like my pathetic life. Did I mention that I only ate one M&M today and have thirty-seven assignments due tomorrow and today a girl walking by BRUSHED against me and in class, my professor &%@#*($&&@)%*)#*%)@&@^*………………………