So, I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but some shit went down this week and I think the United States of America has lost its mind or something. Now, I’m not much into current events, but there’s been a lot of American flags and blue and red on my Facebook feed, so I take that to mean there’s some political action in the works.

From my half-assed glances at ‘shared’ articles’ titles, it looks like there was an election or something earlier this week. Elections happen all the time– in government, in French club, in a group of friends trying to decide who’s going to drive– but this one seems different. This one seems more… Intense. I mean, I said the United States of America is losing its mind but some other countries seem to be pretty hot and bothered too.

After sorting through the puppy pictures and song lyric tweets on Twitter, I think I’ve finally gotten to the bottom of this, and I’ll share my findings with you so that we can both be in the know: looks like we’ve got a presidential election situation.

A presidential election is like a normal election on steroids. It’s like when a million billion people bubble in one jerk’s name to be America’s Next Top Authority. It’s like practice for when you vote for the next American Idol (or I guess Dancing with the Stars, because, RIP American Idol.)

Then there’s something about an Electoral College which sounds like an even more boring version of a normal college. Does everyone at that university need to be voted in to attend? Jesus, Americans sure like their voting games.

I don’t even know what’s going on and I’m sick of hearing about it. Since when did people start using Facebook for serious issues? Let’s stick to the funny Minion memes and let the old white guys decide what happens in the government, yeah? We’ll hold our own election– by a show of hands, who’s sick of all this dull politics stuff? Okay, so we’ve got eleven people “yay,” four and a half people “nay,” and three people “Harambe.” Good, no more politics for us.

If we’re gonna nix the election talk, we’ve got to come up with something to replace it with. Brilliantly, I came up with the concept of “noitcele.” It’s sort of like an election, but opposite– completely backwards, if you will.

So noitcele is a fun non-political thing where people decide they themselves are in charge of everything. And being in charge of everything is great! Because then noitcele can mean anything you want because you’re in command. So it can entail ponies and unicorns and pegai (that’s the plural of “pegasus”– I looked it up). It can also include non-horse creatures but that’s all I could think of at the moment. Noitcele is just when you do whatever you want. Instead of waiting around for the group to quit kicking the dirt and decide with a majority, just run off and do what you want!

Anyway, I’m totally campaigning for this noitcele idea. I mean, who wants to be a part of a collective voice anyway? Instead of conforming and being lost in the masses, stand up and assert yourself– be wild and different and claim your right to your pony! (Okay I need to step away from the horse references because I’m sounding a lot like Vermin Supreme right now, and that fella is not an advocate for noitcele.)

We should just have a whole populous running around doing whatever we want! This is America, right? Land of the free? Well, be free! Let freedom ring through the fields as you ride rampantly on your unicorn! (Dammit–I did it again.)

So let’s claim our noitcele, give a shout-out to those old white dudes hanging out at some House (haha I wonder what mumbo-jumbo they’re up to; oh well!), and forget all things political and election-y and demanding of intellectual thought. Ride your horse off into the sunset and keep sharing wine memes and celebrity gossip.

Vote for noitcele! Or not. Elections are dumb. What’s an election?