The Preposterous Post

Well, it’s been a long week. On Labor Day, I came down with an awful sinus infection that knocked me on my ass for the week. I’m no wimp, but being sick sucks so accordingly, I decided to take it easy and be good to myself by only half-showing up for class (my body was present, but my mind was drowning in a sea of sorrows and mucus) and work (let’s not talk about waking up at 5:30 A.M. when you feel like a zombie) but otherwise napping and abiding by some good old-fashioned “rest cure” therapy.

Anyway, since I’ve been operating with “sick brain” all week, I really didn’t have it in me to sit down and write a blog. While I’m definitely on the up now, I’m still giving myself a pass and therefore, I will be sharing with you some ridiculousness that I unleashed last week.

So for one of my online classes (it’s more a less a class for professional writing and editing), the first assignment is to post an introduction about ourselves on the class message board. The professor gave us a few questions to address in our post, such as our interests, our experience and/or interest in professional writing, and if we were interested in collaborating on our final project. And everyone is supposed to comment on two other people’s posts to show that we read them or care or something or whatever.

I’m usually somewhat of a clown, but sometimes I go into a rare state where I’m purely nonsensical (despite being purely sober). I think ridiculous things like, “My middle name is Amy so I’m probably related to Amelia Earheart.” It makes no sense. It’s ridiculous. LIKE I SAID. But sometimes I just go into overdrive and my brain explodes and I just rattle off the weirdest shit.

Well writing that introduction post spun me into one of those moods. I’ve had to write a lot of introduction essays and posts in my days, and I wanted to do something fun and different with mine, and in the process, I seriously lost control of the reigns.

Besides that, a lot of other people had already posted, and they were writing things like “Here’s an entire professional narration of my resume” and “I want to be a doctor and attend the National Academy of Never-ending Schooling after I graduate and oh by the way I’m a freshman in high school taking college classes” and “I love cooking and studying in my free time” and I was just like how the heck am I supposed to find any seed of intrigue to respond to?

Anyway, so I’ll leave it here with you, what I wrote. Keep in mind, I posted this, publicly, for my classmates and teacher to see, and also keep in my I did not have “sick brain” or “drunk brain” when I wrote it. Some names were changed to protect their identities, but for the most part, it’s based on a true story. And perhaps to no surprise, I have yet to receive any comments on this masterful work of cynicism and obnoxiousness.

I titled it, “My New Year’s Resolution Was to Floss More.”

And behold:

“I’m a cat-loving, pen-wielding, glasses-wearing, kitchen-avoiding, nature-enjoying, wit-delivering redheaded fool who spends most of her time acting as a means for others to receive food in hopes that strangers will give her petty cash, and also jotting down ridiculous fabrications of her mind for the sheer pleasure of it. Call me ______; it’s nice to meet you.

So, as the story goes, I’m a French major with a marketing minor. I’m a senior, and I have no idea what I will be doing after I graduate in December because as far as I’m concerned, after I graduate an abyss swallows me up and I am finally released into sweet, sweet nothingness free from homework and assigned reading and more essays about The Great Gatsby. I cannot wait.

Until I reach the abyss, I am amidst an obstacle course called ‘The Great Fall Semester of 2017.’ So far I am already behind on my to-do list and I do not want to talk about it so instead I will tell you about my soul mate, Esmeralda. She is my cat. She’s got long, gray fur that sometimes almost looks blue, and her long hair around her legs makes her look like she is perpetually wearing baggy pants. I call her things like ‘Baggy Pants Cat,’ ‘Blue Cat,’ ‘Baby,’ ‘Pain in my Butt,’ ‘How are you Already Hungry Again,’ and ‘Oh my God If You’re Going to Throw up Please Vomit on the Hardwood.’

In addition to my cat, I have a boyfriend, and the word on the street is that I love him. In this case, the word on the street is actually very accurate and I do love him very much. He feeds me and gives me attention and does other cool things like respect me and enjoy my company and I vibe with all that.

I do other ridiculous things than just ramble too long during introductory assignments, such as write for pleasure, doodle comics about being a server, read for entertainment, cuddle with my cat, sleep, clean my apartment to avoid academic responsibilities, and feel good about myself for eating fruit. I spend most of my time at Wild Goats though, asking people how they like their eggs and trying to minimize the plastic straw usage of the restaurant.

Despite any impression you have received of me throughout the course of this so far, I am actually fairly talented at disguising myself as a professional writer. While I have no passion for professional writing specifically, I have this thing called a “marketing minor” and a “job” and so an online professional writing course was a very convenient solution for me. Plus, I do have a passion for writing in general and Professor Jameson has been my homie since Day 1 at Kent so I am very willing to learn everything I can from her to maybe make my French degree as practical as possible in preparation for whatever happens in that abyss after graduation. Who knows, maybe the abyss will ask me if I can proofread their cover letter in a romance language.

Typically I don’t collaborate on projects because I operate as an extreme procrastinator and perfectionist (a very impractical combo), but as this is my last semester, I am more open to the idea. Maybe one of you could be the yin to my yang (or vice versa) in this class and we could rock the final project together. I’ll let you know if I feel up to rocking. I do have a guitar; I kind of play.

Okay, and, end scene? Thanks for reading? Hope your classes seem engaging and manageable? Esmeralda says hello. Hope you had fun reading this. I like to entertain people (and myself) with my absurdity (which is well concealed beneath my usually reserved exterior).”

All my classmates probably hate me, huh?

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