The hardest part about growing up is figuring out what to tell people when they ask you what you want for Christmas. I’ve recently grown up, and this is an aspect of adult life that is especially difficult for me.

When I was a kid and people asked what I’d like for my birthday or Christmas, I had it all ready to go: a booklet organized by toy category, alphabetized, with pictures and resources to additional information, indexed and cross-referenced. Ask me what I wanted and I’d let you know; I was smart, too, so each person who asked got their own individual booklet personalized for them, so that I didn’t ask for the same item from two different people in order to prevent repeat gifts. I also included a list of “Do not buy” toys that I especially didn’t want but were popular at the time and other items that I already owned. Should they lose their booklet, I had back-ups printed and had it all memorized just in case. Basically, I was prepared and had a lot of wants.

But as an adult, when my mom asks me what I want for Christmas, I struggle to come up with anything and eventually just stall off answering until later. “Oh, I’ll think of something and text you about it.” Chances are I will never text her what I want for Christmas until she asks again.

It’s not that I don’t have wants, though, because of course I have wants. I have wants a-plenty. I’m human! So if you really want to know, here’s what I want for Christmas:

• toothpaste
• toilet paper
• my rent paid
• my electric paid
• my car note paid
• Draino
• armpits that don’t perspire
• a 5-year plan
• out of my lease
• my cat to cooperate with my instructions
• more time
• NOT ONE MORE generic body lotion or body wash to sit in my cabinet (I do not need more)
• lightbulbs that never go out
• groceries
• warmth
• please no more snow
• the sun
• to never have to cut my nails again
• I wouldn’t turn down a million dollars
• a sense of security about the future of this world
• a washer and dryer
• an end to the objectification of women’s bodies/the obliteration of ridiculous beauty standards/down with the patriarchy
• a beanie
• the end of racism
• no debt
• motivation on overcast days
• incense sticks
• happiness and good fortune for everyone I love
• to be published
• to travel
• a personal chef
• no more zits for the rest of my life
• self-cleaning teeth
• to be able to wear jeans to work
• Christmas music not to play until mid-December

But obviously a lot of those things just can’t happen, especially the last bullet point, and these are not things that I want to put on other people to make happen for me, and these all wouldn’t really fit on a Sticky Note anyway.

Maybe I could assign each person in my life one of these gifts. Like, “Mom, all I want from you is to persuade my boss to change the work uniform,” and “Bro, I’d love if you could hook me up with a personal chef this year,” and “Santa, your task is to alter my teeth so that they’re self-cleaning.” I’d feel really bad about whoever had the challenge of providing me with warmth, because I’ve said this a million times but there’s not a single degree of heat inside my entire freaking body.

In any case, my holiday “wants” are more focused on dealing with responsibilities and making life changes than on acquiring cheap possessions. I don’t need more crap anyway, especially if I’m looking to move soon (ugh, more crap means more to move) and all this girl needs is some dough to pay her bills with.

Happy holiday season… ?

I’m serious about the sun, though. Somebody get that for me.