I’m already calling it: this year, Christmas is not going to feel like Christmas.

Maybe I’ll be wrong; in fact, I hope I’m wrong. I’d love to be overtaken by the Christmas spirit and revel in the good cheer and merriment of the season, but it doesn’t even feel like December and yet they’re telling me we’re already a week into the month. So…

It’s definitely not going to feel like Christmas.

Okay, I shouldn’t say it with so much confidence. I’m not trying to ruin it for anybody, it’s just that it’s snowed like twice this fall and it’s been sixty degrees more than it’s been thirty degrees, so I guess we can safely say that there isn’t too hot a chance it’s going to be a white Christmas.

Hey now, don’t get salty at me for saying all this. I’m just the reporter, right? I can tell you who to blame, though, and it’s not the Grinch (and I am not the Grinch and I’m sick of being called a Grinch for being real about the holidays).

It’s Global Warming.

It’s been a consistently warm December so far. I know we all live in Ohio, so we’re used to the weather being unpredictable and strange or whatever, but I’m telling you guys: this is more than just quirky Ohio weather. Don’t write this off–this is global warming. Something’s happening.

But at least that’s the only crisis the world is on the brink of, right? It’s not like we have reckless world leaders or natural disasters tearing up every coast of the country or AI’s swooping in on civil rights that aren’t even granted to living human beings yet, and not to mention those sunrises and sunsets lately–they’ve been looking pretty beautifully dramatic, and I don’t trust that at all. Oh, and cats; cats have been on some other shit lately, peeing on everything I love and need.

Dammit, though, about Christmas! We want our American, consumerist Christmas! With snow, and presents, and caroling, and A Christmas Story, and our semi-annual trip to church! And if there’s no snow to inconvenience us throughout all our travels and shopping, then how can December have the audacity to call itself the Christmas month?! We blame November–it did too poor of a job signalling to the weather that snow is expected to show up. Hello?

It’s about the snow, and the weather, but it’s also about the school year. It’s probably just me, but I’ve been so preoccupied with homework and projects that December kind of happened without me even realizing it. (November flew by and it’s not even fair; I’d like to file a formal complaint that Scorpio season was too brief this year and I’d like a refund for my perception of time.)

Or maybe it’s because we haven’t converted to Christmas music at work yet (or ever, hopefully). My manager tried to pull that shit one day, but thankfully the Christmas radio station was all static, so he had to change it back to classic rock. Christmas music is probably the only thing worse than the classic rock station they play at work. (Quick aside: Okay, so I used to LOVE classic rock, but listening to 98.5 every day for a year and a half sort of makes you lose your mind at the opening notes of “Long, Long Way from Home” by Foreigner or literally any other over-played rock song from the ’80’s or whatever, starting with “Don’t Stop Believing,” which has actually led me very much to stop believing–to stop believing I will EVER ESCAPE THAT SONG.)

I guess it’s pretty transparent that I don’t care if it feels like Christmas or not this year. Which actually really bums me out because I want to want it to feel like Christmas. I want to get all excited about Christmas decorations, and want to curl up by a fire and watch Christmas movies (hopefully the fire will be contained in a fireplace in this scenario), I want to go out and get a Christmas tree and to get revved up for Christmas shopping. I don’t like bringing people down when they ask me, “How do you feel about Christmas?” and I have to choose between lying and suffering but saving their spirits or telling the truth and crushing their hopefulness. So I’ll respond, “Eh, it’s not for me.” Anyway, maybe once I graduate I’ll have time to spend on Christmas thoughts.

I’m pretty sure it’s not just me who feels like this, though. Snow is basically the signal for “Christmas mode” and if there’s none of it, then what do we do as Ohioans? We snort snow like cocaine. (Okay, I am REALLY NOT on cocaine, despite the running theme, apparently.) We bathe in snow, we play in snow, we construct fantasy lives out of snow so that we can distract ourselves from our non-snow reality. (What?) What do we do without snow in December?! (Don’t worry, we’ll have snow–in April. And in abundance.) Without snow, we’re like… Florida! And literally nobody wants to be Florida. It’s like the one state worse than Ohio. (If you have to ask why, then clearly you’ve never been to Florida. I mean, I’ve never been to Florida, but c’mon, it’s pretty obvious that Florida is the pits. It’s literally the armpit of America! I’m not kidding–that’s their slogan! And if it’s not, it should be. They should just face the music already.)

So, I guess if Christmas music ever violates my ears this season, I’ll be singing my own rendition of them: Don’t Deck the Halls, Grandma Got Run Over by a Bicyclist, Baby it’s Warm Outside, and It’s Not Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.

Happy Global Warming everybody!