Net Neutrality News

All I’ve been hearing this past week is garbage about net neutrality.

Net Neutrality sounds like a band name. You’ve got the Front Bottoms, Knuckle Puck, and Mouse Rat, and if those are band names, then “Net Neutrality” definitely sounds like it belongs with the bunch of them. I’ve never listened to Net Neutrality, but everyone seems to be talking about them. Maybe they recently went on tour? Are they good? I bet mostly hipsters like them.

I’ve been seeing a lot of posts online crying, “Save Net Neutrality!” which makes me think they’re in danger or that one of their members got hurt. Is somebody trying to assassinate them? Did a super villain kidnap them and has them tied up with rope above a vat of mysteriously boiling green substance that has the potential to either melt their skin off or turn them into super heroes? Are they going to break up as a band? Or did the lead singer get diagnosed with cancer, and has a day to live? Where do I pour my money? Will someone please accept my money for the cause so I can feel a little less guilty about Net Neutrality’s perils? I did my part then.

I guess Congress or the government or whoever really hates Net Neutrality though, because they’re trying to make it illegal for them to perform any more shows. What is this, the town from Footloose? You can’t outlaw music! That’s freedom of expression! Anyway, apparently they’re not into this new wave of music because they’re arguing this country should be without Net Neutrality’s music. What a bunch of haters, right? Unless they’re trying to run Net Neutrality out of business so that they can steal the market on hipster music and make big money.

So when Net Neutrality breaks up, what happens then? Why’s it such a big deal? There’s a lot of whispers going around about having to pay for internet if net neutrality goes away. Now, I might be making this up here, but I’m pretty sure paying for the internet is a bad thing. Maybe Net Neutrality is a band as well as a group of pals that hang out and make sure the internet goes smoothly and no company rises to power and takes over everything. (“Everything” is such a broad and vague term; I have no idea what it encompasses in this sentence, except that it was an easy cop-out of actually being concrete and specific with my idea.) Damn, that would be bad. They can’t disband! We need someone to keep the internet in check; without them, corruption would run rampant! Internet provider companies would charge websites ridiculous sums of dough (by which I mean money, not the fun, tasty, chocolate-chip-infested type of dough) to, I don’t know, magically appear on our digital devices’ screens via the hopes and dreams of baby unicorns! And if they refuse, or can’t, pay the Ol’ Cookie Dough Collectors, then the baby unicorns get to take their time a little bit, slowing down the website a bit, or a lot!

And the fans, of course. The fans would be distraught without Net Neutrality; their songs must have gotten so many people through hard times in their lives, and it always sucks when a band you love isn’t touring so you can never hear them perform your favorite songs. I bet because they’re a bunch of hacker nerds their shows are super trippy, too, with special lighting and everything.

Well anyway, I wonder if I called up Net Neutrality and complained to them, they’d reconsider breaking up. I should also probably call the people who want them fired, and tell them how it’s rude and uncool to have such a stupid agenda. Seriously, breaking up bands? Doesn’t the government have better things to do? They need to back off and let Net Neutrality rock on. What will actually probably end up happening though is that I’ll complain about it on Twitter and be too apathetic or lazy to actually call up anyone and complain; I’m sure someone else will do it, and then I won’t have to. Everyone else is talking so much about it and they’re probably more motivated than I am, so I’ll just keep posting about it.

Looks like I just saved the day then, huh? And Net Neutrality is good now?  Wow, good job to me.

I still am not entirely sure what Net Neutrality is. I could and should probably look it up, but that would be too much work. I just want someone to spoon feed it to me, or better yet–make up my own best guess-timate based off the few snippets I’ve seen online and continue to use this internet which is totally untouchable and no one could ever change how it’s run and so accessible!!

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