This week, I collaborated with my boyfriend, Bryant Rogers, to write a skit called “The Interrupting Waitress.” Enjoy!
LOCATION: Table for two at Sticky Fingers Diner
DATE: Sunny afternoon in May, during Lunch
JULIE: Young energetic waitress. Very eager to be please her guests and sometimes annoying.
TRISHA: Female, middle-aged but younger than KELLY. Dressed frumpy and out of style. Very sweet. Married to Jason.
KELLY: Female, middle-aged but older than TRISHA. Serious and to-the-point. More modern. Married to Sean
ROXANNE: Middle-aged waitress. Sassy and known to be aggressive. Tough on new servers.
OUR STORY OPENS WITH TRISHA AND KELLY SITTING DOWN ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER AT A TABLE IN A BUSTLING RESTAURANT. THEY BOTH TAKE OFF THEIR LIGHT JACKETS AND SET THEIR PURSES DOWN ON THE CHAIR BESIDE THEM
TRISHA: Thanks for meeting me! I’ve been anticipating this all week.
KELLY: Yes, no problem! You sounded so distressed on the phone when you said you had news…
ENTER JULIE: Hello you two! Welcome to Sticky Fingers. My name is Julie, I’ll be right back over with you.
TRISHA: Okay then dear!
KELLY: (looks at JULIE dismissively)
KELLY: So like I was saying, you sounded so distressed on the phone. You said you had serious news to share? I’ve been worried sick–
TRISHA: Yes, yes, I have horrible news to share, and I just couldn’t bring myself to tell it to you on the phone. I just didn’t think it’d be right to go into it over the phone.
Julie: All right you two, sorry about the wait. It’s been pretty busy today; must be the sun, huh?
TRISHA: Oh, I bet! Everything’s coming to life again, this beautiful spring weather!
KELLY: (quickly) Yes, it’s nice.
JULIE: Well now, can I start you two off with something to drink? We have Coke products, coffee, hot tea, decaf?
TRISHA: Oh, you have coffee? Is it good?
JULIE: Oh most definitely! Our coffee is 100% organic and all of our beans our guaranteed fair-trade.
KELLY: Yes, Trisha, it’s good. Get the coffee.
JULIE: Two coffees. Be right back!
TRISHA: I’ve already had two cups of coffee today! I’m going to be off the walls!
KELLY: Right, I’ve had about six cups. I’m going to claw someone’s eyes out if I don’t get my seventh cup soon.
TRISHA: (gives her the side eye)
KELLY: So about this news–
TRISHA: Oh right! So, as you know, Grandpa hasn’t been doing so well lately, ever since Grandma broke her hip and Jason got into that car accident–
JULIE: I’m sorry, I forgot to ask if ya’ll had needed cream?
KELLY: Black please.
TRISHA: Actually, do you have milk?
JULIE: We’ve got whole, skim, almond, and soy!
TRISHA: Whole milk, please!
TRISHA: I just love how many options they have here.
KELLY: (quickly) Yes it’s fantastically hipster. So is Grandpa okay?
TRISHA: Well, you know he wasn’t really seeming like himself, and I had even went over there right after Jason’s surgery and he looked like he had lost weight, and Kelly, I’m telling you–
ENTER JULIE WITH COFFEE
TRISHA: Oh my! It smells great!
JULIE: Whole milk for you, and black for you miss. And are you two ready to order? My special right now is our house-made, wild-caught tuna fish on rye.
TRISHA: Oh, we haven’t even looked! (looks at her menu as if it were just placed in front of her)
KELLY: That’s okay, I can come up with something.
TRISHA: Do you have waffles? (looks up at JULIE)
JULIE: Yep, the Sticky Bandit Belgium Waffles come topped with pralines, fresh slices of strawberries, and drizzled in honey.
TRISHA: That sounds incredible! Hmmm… (looks back at menu)
KELLY: Well I just want some dry sourdough and peanut butter.
JULIE: (with a sour face) Sorry hun, we don’t have sourdough.
KELLY: (visibly annoyed) Well wheat then, or whatever. (slides menu away from her towards the waitress)
TRISHA: (still looking at menu) Hmmmm….
JULIE: (grabs KELLY’S menu) Okay. Whole grain wheat with a side of peanut butter. And what about you ma’am; are you still thinking about the waffles?
TRISHA: I just don’t know what to get… What’s your favorite? (looks at JULIE)
KELLY: Trish, just get the waffles.
TRISHA: I do love waffles… But I had some the other day…
JULIE: The tuna fish sandwich is delicious.
TRISHA: Do you put dairy in that? I’m lactose intolerant.
KELLY: But you’re drinking milk in your coffee.
TRISHA: A little gas never hurt anyone. I just–
JULIE: Yeah, no definitely gas is totally healthy! If you’re not feeling lunch, maybe you’d like some brunch!
TRISHA: So, you’re saying you do breakfast all day? What if I got an omelette…
KELLY: One omelette for her please. Thank you. (acts as though dismissing the waitress)
TRISHA: (sets down the menu and hands to JULIE, smiling contentedly)
JULIE: We can totally do that. One omelette. Would you like any toppings in the omelette? (points TRISHA to the toppings on the menu)
TRISHA: Okay, let’s see, I’ll have red peppers, green peppers, onions, mushrooms, spinach, mozzarella, ham, bacon, jalapenos, sausage–did I say onions?–broccoli, tomatoes, hot sauce, aaaaaaaand… Sour cream.
(JULIE scribbles into a pad as TRISH recites her toppings)
JULIE: And you get a side with that.
TRISHA: Can I do meatloaf as a side?
KELLY: (mutters) Why would you ever be able to get meatloaf as a side…
JULIE: We have hash browns, home fries, and french fries.
KELLY: (speaks very intently to TRISHA, holding her wrist across the table) Trisha, I don’t have a lot of time today, I went to a lot of trouble to carve out some time away from all my seven kids, can you please tell me what happened to Grandpa? And did he leave anything?
TRISHA: (absently nodding at KELLY) Yeah, you know I’d really love some potatoes. What are the cubed ones? Grandpa and I always loved the cubed ones.
KELLY: Right! Grandpa! Speaking of which…
JULIE: Home fries! Excellent choice. And you get a choice of toast.
KELLY: SHE’LL HAVE THE WHOLE GRAIN.
JULIE: All right ladies, I’ll put that in. And can I interest you in a sticky roll while you wait?
TRISHA: Actually, can I change that to the waffles? (KELLY stares in disgust)
JULIE: Sure, waffles it is.
TRISHA: It really means a lot to me that we were able to get together. We don’t do it enough.
KELLY: Well, sure, whatever. When you told me there was something you had to tell me–
TRISHA: Right, right. Anyway, where was I earlier about that? So Grandpa wasn’t acting the same, and I could tell something was wrong, and–well, it’ll help you understand better if you knew that he had had trouble with his pipes freezing, too, so he wasn’t getting water. Which is funny, because just a month earlier Jason had been telling him he needed to make sure the house was kept warm enough…
KELLY: Uh huh, uh huh…
TRISHA: And so one day, I went over there, and you know what I saw when I walked into his house? It was horrific, and I had even been feeling all funny right before I walked in there, like a–what’s it called? Prevalation? Preservation? It’s on the tip–
KELLY: Premonition. Go on.
TRISHA: Oh, yeah! A premonition! Little Marcus said that to me the other day and I was so impressed he knew that word.
KELLY: Did Grandpa have a will?
TRISHA: No, he didn’t have a well, and his pipes froze.
KELLY: No, a will. A will!
ENTER JULIE WITH MORE COFFEE. KELLY’S CUP IS EMPTY BUT TRISHA HASN’T TOUCHED HERS
JULIE: Hey so, crazy story but our waffle maker just blew up! I guess Devin left a waffle in their too long and it caught the whole thing on fire. Is there anything else I can get you?
TRISHA: Oh shoot, I don’t know. Um……
JULIE: I can grab another menu
KELLY: (says to JULIE in vain as she walks away) Oh you don’t have to… Oh…
TRISHA: She’s such a nice waitress.
KELLY: Right. When she comes back, you should just get the omelette. Just say you want the omelette from before. That’s all you need to say.
TRISHA: I was thinking of getting grilled cheese instead though…
KELLY: You are lactose intolerant. You should just get the omelette. Quick and clean.
ENTER JULIE WITH A MENU
TRISHA: So I think I’ll get the… (looks at KELLY for reassurance)
TRISHA: The omelette…. From before.
KELLY: Thank you.
JULIE: Yeah sure, I actually still have it all written down right here. I’ll just have them whip it up for you. Sorry about the waffles again, I’d never seen a waffle maker burst into flames like that before.
KELLY: (drily) Just wild.
TRISHA: I’m really sad about the waffles.
KELLY: I’m sure you’ll get over it. Grandpa, on the other hand… Boy. What a tough loss.
TRISHA: Oh, I know! When I walked in there the other week and saw what a horrible fate he had suffered–and the fish bowl! I walked in there and the fish bowl was completely empty and all dried up and lying there helplessly, was poor, old–
KELLY: Ugh, tragic. I can’t even hear you say it. What was left behind?
TRISHA: Well, years of love and entertainment, of course!
KELLY: I mean physical possessions. Stuff. Money.
TRISHA: Well, as you can imagine, (chuckles) there was no money left behind. Maybe a treasure chest. (chuckles)
KELLY: What do you mean.
ENTER JULIE WITH PLATES OF FOOD
JULIE: All right ladies. Omelette with home fries on my left and peanut butter and rye on the right.
KELLY: Rye? You bitch.
JULIE: UH … Excuse me?
KELLY: (shakes head and waves) Sorry, nevermind, it’s fine, it’s fine.
JULIE: Right, well enjoy you two.
TRISHA: (immediately starts eating)
KELLY: (doesn’t touch her food) You know, I am just so distraught about Grandpa. All my life, he took care of me and was the father figure I never really had… He always said he’d continue to take care of me even when he wasn’t around anymore…
TRISHA: (mouthful of food) Yeah he’s such a cool dude.
KELLY: (frowns for a beat) Yeah… Such a loving father and grandfather.
TRISHA: Yeah I feel so bad for him. I’m so sorry about Gulliver.
TRISHA: Dang, I just realized I need ketchup. Where did our waitress get off to? I feel like she’s been away from our table forever. You probably scared her off.
KELLY: It’s been literally five seconds.
TRISHA: (laughs) Oh, Kelly, you’ve always been such a hoot.
KELLY: I am no such thing.
TRISHA: (still laughing) But really though, this lady needs some ketchup for these potatoes. Did she say they’re called home fries or hash browns? I don’t remember. Oh, is that her over there? I don’t remember what she looks like.
KELLY: Are you joking? I feel like the kid’s face is permanently etched into the back of my brain, she’s been over here so much she might as well take a seat. Now enough of this shit Trish, tell me what’s going on!
(TRISHA stands up in search of JULIE. Enter ROXANNE)
ROXANNE: Can I help you with something lady?
TRISHA: Yeah, may I get some ketchup?
ROXANNE: Sure thing, I’ll be right back.
TRISHA: You remember Gulliver, right? (picking at teeth)
TRISHA: Grandpa’s pet fish! C’mon, you’re telling me you don’t remember Gulliver? Gulliver the Great? Ol’ Gulliver? Grand Daddy’s Grand Gulliver? He’s been in the family for fifteen years!
KELLY: I guess, but what does that have to do with…
JULIE: Sorry I got caught up with another table; how are we doing over here?
TRISHA: Oh, ketchup! There you are! I didn’t see you, so I asked some other lady around here… (looks around for ROXANNE)
JULIE: Yeah sure thing, I can grab ketchup.
KELLY: Now they’re both about to show up with ketchup.
TRISHA: Tomatoes and potatoes. That’s seriously the best combination ever.
KELLY: What kind of a person says th… Nevermind.
TRISHA: So, we’re having the funeral next week. We’re sending out notices and everything.
KELLY: Wow, this is happening so fast… I didn’t even see it coming…
TRISHA: No one did! Gulliver seemed fine! He was livelier than Grandpa, although I don’t know how people years translates to fish years…
ROXANNE: Here’s your ketchup dear.
TRISHA: Thanks! You really saved the day!
KELLY: Why do you keep bringing up that damn fish?
TRISHA: Oh, that other waitress just got me ketchup!
ROXANNE TO JULIE: Catch up with your tables kid. (cackles) This one was standing in the middle of the dining room waving her arms around. (points at TRISHA)
JULIE: I’m sorry Roxanne.
TRISHA: Oh, go easy on her, she’s been great so far!
KELLY: She’s just a waitress, Trish, now let’s get back to–
ROXANNE: Sorry guys if she’s given ya any trouble, she’s new–
TRISHA: I’m about ready to take her home with me she’s been so sweet!
JULIE: Aww, thank you. I just try and do my best!
KELLY: (stands up and pounds fist) Trisha, WHAT IS ALL THIS FISH BUSINESS ABOUT?!
ROXANNE: What’s this chick’s problem now? Look, I got the ketchup, my job is finished, control this shit rookie.
JULIE: Is there anything else I can get for you two?
KELLY: (through gritting her teeth and with clenched fists) The check. (sits down)
KELLY: So the funeral is next week?
TRISHA: Yeah, it’s going to be beautiful. An extravagant affair! We thought it was only right that we see him out in such a grand way. He loved theatrics. We’re having Grandpa speak at his funeral.
KELLY: Excuse me?
TRISHA: Well, it is going to be held in his bathroom.
TRISHA: It’s only right that he has the honor of speaking.
KELLY: Trisha, he can’t speak at his funeral. Grandpa’s dead.
TRISHA: What?! (bursts into tears)
JULIE: Sorry about your grandfather! My grandpa died three years ago and I spoke at his funeral.
TRISHA: Grandpa died… ? (dabbing at her eyes with tissue from her purse)
KELLY: (confused and concerned) Well, yeah, Trish… Isn’t that why you wanted to meet up? To tell me that?
JULIE: Can I offer you both a complimentary coffee to-go?
TRISHA: No! I called you to meet up so that I could tell you Gulliver passed away last week. Grandpa’s fish is now in a better place.
KELLY: (face drops) What.
JULIE (still unnoticed): We also have sticky rolls on display by the door if you two change your mind on those.
TRISHA: I thought I should tell you in person! We’re all very shaken up about it. Jason’s going to get a tattoo of Gulliver on his bicep to commemorate him. All his biker friends are pitching in.
KELLY: So you’re telling me that Grandpa isn’t dead?
JULIE: Wow that’s a relief. You should take him home a sticky roll!
TRISHA: As far as I know he’s as alive as my craving for a waffle right about now.
KELLY: So there’s no inheritance for me?
TRISHA: Well, no, Kelly. Grandpa doesn’t have any inheritance money. He spent all our inheritance when Grandma passed away and he bought Gulliver to fill the void. He was a very rare breed of fish.
KELLY: Grandpa doesn’t have any money?
KELLY: Because he spent our inheritance on a fish?
KELLY: A dead fish?
TRISHA: Well, he spent it fifteen years ago.
KELLY: So I’ve been sucking up to Grandpa for fifteen years trying to get him to leave me inheritance money and this whole time he’s had nothing but a really expensive pet?!
JULIE: So I’m just going to leave this check here. I’ll pick it up whenever you’re ready. No rush.
TRISHA: So you’re not going to the funeral then? I need a guest count so I know how many Goldfish party favors to buy.
KELLY: Is this a joke?
TRISHA: I would never joke about Goldfish crackers. They smile back!
KELLY: This is exactly why Sean told me not to meet with you today. I should’ve listened to him! (flicks check at TRISHA and exits, grabbing her purse and jacket in a huff)
TRISHA: (says to herself) Because of Goldfish?
JULIE: Is she all done with this plate?
TRISHA: Yeah, I’ll take a box for her toast though.